guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
