I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
