Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.