We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful