I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
