Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
