I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's Friday. Sex?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
