Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You've changed since you got that strap on
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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