She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
