I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
