Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i wish my penis had a tongue
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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