I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
