I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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