I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
