Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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