He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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