Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
