between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
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i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
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My liver is preforming stress tests.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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