I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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