He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
