Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
