I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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