I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
