Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
