I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
