I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
