Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
