im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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