Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
