I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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