Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
