so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
sarcasm needs its own font
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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