she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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