Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
