the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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