I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
