dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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