when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this beer tastes like vomit already
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
