why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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