she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
