My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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