I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
