Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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