Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i love accidental penises.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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