You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
