I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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