im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
