soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
