OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
