she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
