I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
