this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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