Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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