you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
