The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
